Look, I apologise. We all had plenty to deal with, especially yourself, with the darling newborn. The things I've said were completely unfair, but I'm not sorry for saying them, I'm sorry that it hurt you.
When my parents found out about UK, it brought about a lot of questions, and you know about my anxieties when I'm around them, I start to scratch and bite...myself. They demanded to know who my friends were, and every time the subject was brought up, I get so quickly shot down. Reasoning wouldn't work, and they refused to give any of you a chance. I was told to assume that the world was evil until proven otherwise. I'm not one to listen to them, you know that, but I had some moments of weakness, which is a really pathetic excuse I know, but there is no other truth to offer.
I let them get to me while you were away. This is in NO WAY blaming you, so sit down. I've just been weak for a very long time now, and I realised I've been relying on you a lot more than I should. That's not fair, you should be relying on me too.
It sucks to say this, and it'll probably suck even more to hear this, but don't I have an allowance for doubt every now and then? I'm not the most emotionally and mentally steady person you know. Which again, isn't fair for you. I know. I'm sorry.
At times I do feel like I'm left in the dark, which most likely propagates the paranoia that plays in my head, even more so in your absence. I'm not trying to say that I need you like the very blood which streams through every part of my limb - that's just ridiculous, and needy, and I'm fine on my own.
You want to know something ironic, though? When you appeared again, nothing mattered. Nothing that was bad anyway. Every doubt dissipated, every hurt lightened, every antagonistic voice silenced. That is the kind of effect you have on me, dramatic as that may seem. It's like, when you're near, I can be strong and vulnerable at the same time. I'm not sure why that is.
So I guess in some ways, I do need you. But I don't want that to be the only reason for our friendship, or why you'd forgive me. I won't be able to stand the sympathy. I genuinely enjoy your company - the filthy swearing banters, clash of opinions, burning sarcastic remarks, awkward/non-awkward silences, necessary brash honesty, random useless facts from yours truly, you all hyper and ramble-y, and any other shit we say or do to get through the day. And I've told you those so many times before, but I like you around when you're all grumpy and bitchy and snappy too. It gets a little tensed, but I'm okay with that.
I'm sorry I hurt you, okay? I know it's going take you some time to deal with it, and that's okay, take all the time you need, but don't give up on us, our friendship, please? I will do anything to repair whatever is left of us so we could just walk forward, with a better understanding. I love you, man, and there is nothing I will not do for you. This is something I do not dare say to anyone else, because truth be told, right now, you are the only person in this world I am most afraid to lose. So...truly, I'm sorry.
But ultimately, whatever you decide on, I'm going to respect that and I'll just have to live with it. I'll be fine, I promise. Okay?
Syotos.
